When You're Gone
by milomariano
Summary: When Jess tells Rory he loves her, she realised that she loves him back. But when fate keeps pushing them apart, and they're never in the same place at the same time... can they be together and happy? Starts in 4x13 "I love you"! Rated M because reasons.
1. I count your steps

Jess clenched and unclenched his hands. He breathed slow and then fast. He let himself open his car door and walk in a trance through the firelight festival to find the girl he had hurt over and over. He steeled himself and put one foot in front of the other, scared that if he didn't concentrate he would run. Away. Far away.

She was in line to buy a burger, a bored expression playing across her face. She was just looking around, taking in the surroundings when her eyes fixed on something and she froze, a tear threatening to fall. He was wearing a hoodie under a leather jacket, and pale jeans. The same clothes he had been wearing when he left Stars Hollow and broke her heart. He was staring at her, seemingly trying to convey a message. Instead of trying to figure out what that message was, she let the tear fall. "This time I get to leave first!" She took off her high heels and ran like her life depended on it. She didn't care where, she just needed a place to sit and cry her heart out without disturbance.

"Rory! Rory, wait!" Jess sprinted after her, tripping over tree roots and rocks on the road but he didn't care. He stared at his moving target and ran hell for leather to catch up with her. "Rory, stop!" He was yelling at the top of his lungs, but she didn't seem to hear him. That or he was simply being ignored. "Rory!"

"My town!" Rory yelled, but Jess could have sworn he heard her voice crack. "I leave!" She cried, before tripping on a stick.

"Rory! I have to talk to you!"

He looked at her face for the first time tonight and noticed her tear stained face. Her eyes were red and puffy, and she was sobbing. "What?!" She demanded. "What do you have to talk to me about?!"

Jess wanted to run away so badly. He wanted to leave right then and there, he wanted to forget about the girl standing in front of him and start a new life. But he couldn't. "I..." _love you,_ he wanted to say, but his voice trailed off and he looked to the floor.

She started to yell. "I've actually thought a lot about this moment. What would Jess say if I ever saw him again?!" He desperately wanted to keep listening, to find out how she felt, but he kept on revisiting memories of the past that made him want to cry himself, only catching snippets of what Rory was saying.

 _"I couldn't get tickets to the prom," Jess said. "I'm sorry."_

 _Rory looked at the ground. "Oh," she said, looking anywhere but him. "Well, this is my stop. See you later."_

 _Jess felt an overwhelming pang of guilt. "Yeah, I'll call you," he managed to say, but he knew he wouldn't be calling her anytime soon. As he watched her walk out of the bus, he realised that this would potentially be the last time he was his girlfriend._

"And then a year goes by, so he couldn't possibly have an excuse for that, right?!"

 _Jess desperately wanted to talk to her again. To see her again. But he knew he couldn't. Even if he had some form of transport, he couldn't face her. He couldn't face having her back, disappointing her over and over again. She belonged with someone like Dean. He tried to control his hand but it had a mind of its own. It dialled her cell number, and put the receiver to his ear. "Hello?" Rory's voice flooded the phone. "Hello?" She said again. Jess desperately want to say something, so apologise, but his lips wouldn't cooperate. "Jess? Is that you?" He knew what was coming. She was going to end it. "You're not going to talk, fine. I'll talk. You didn't handle things right." He knew that. He also knew every other thing she said following that. But then, the end came and he was shocked out of his skin. "I think... I think I may have loved you, but I guess I just have to let it go. Goodbye, Jess. That word sounds so lame and stupid right now, but... goodbye." The phone clicked off, and Jess wanted to melt into the boardwalk and disappear forever._

"I have thought of hundreds of different scenarios, with a hundred great last parting lines, and I have to say I am very curious to see which was this is going to go." She was fully crying now, and all Jess wanted to do was end it. End her pain. To leave, to never come back again. But instead he tried to take her hand. _Big mistake, Mariano,_ he thought, as the pulled away and stared at him like he was crazy.

"Can we... can we sit down?" _Tell her you love her, you idiot. Just form the words. It's not that hard! Come on! Move your lips!!_ His lips stayed stationary, and he knew that the same thing was happening as at her graduation day. He was going to stay silent and she was going to leave him. Again.

"No!" Rory cried. "You wanted to talk, so talk. What do you have to say to me?!" She had stopped crying, but he knew if he pushed her she would start again. He knew this look. She was mad. She was mad at him, she was sad because it didn't work out. Both of which were his fault.

 _Tell her, dammit! She's waiting for you to say something! Go! 1, 2, 3, go! "_ I..." _come on. You can do it. Say it._ "I love you," he finally said, exhaling and waiting for her to reply. All she did was stare at him. In shock. He wished with every fibre of his being that she would just say it back. But she didn't. After about 30 seconds, she was still just standing there, wide eyed. Jess took this as a _'you were too late. Go love someone else.'_ But all he wanted was to love her. To love her and for her to love him back. He retreated back his car, nodding that he understood. She had moved on. He missed his chance. His hand hovered on the door handle, giving her one more chance to come forward. He didn't dare look behind him. If she wasn't coming any closer, he didn't want to see it. He opened the door and revved the engine, elongating her chance. _Come on, Rory. Say my name. Wave. Do something, I'm begging you._ Nothing. He got his car in gear and drove back to New York, tears clouding his vision. He didn't care how fast he was going. He just drove. He probably broke a lot of speed limits, but who cared at that point?

When he arrived at his shared apartment, he barely made it to the door. None of his roommates were home, so nobody would witness the breakdown he was sure he was about to have. He opened the door and sat in the frame, putting his head in his hands. He had waited for Rory for so long, only for her to reject him. He had majorly screwed up last year, and look where he was now. Sitting in the doorway feeling like crap. He had finally given in to the real, non-sarcastic world, and he was suffering from it. He wished he had never gone to Stars Hollow. _"Idiot,"_ he muttered to himself. He was an idiot. He was a jerk to Rory and he expected her to fall straight back into his arms! What was that about? It wasn't manly to cry. It showed weakness, in Jess' opinion. None the less, he let tears fall on to the concrete floor, desperately wanting her to come back to him.

Rory walked in the door and slammed it. Lorelai wasn't home, luckily, so she would see Rory this upset. She ran to her room and collapsed onto her bed, breaking quickly so she wouldn't start crying. She failed, tears streaming down her face more rapidly than they ever had. She should have told him how she felt. She desperately wanted to, but when she tried to find the words she was frozen. It was like everything was still moving but she was stuck in the moment. She didn't move for a good 5 minutes after Jess drove away, but now all she wanted was for him to knock on her door, to tell her again. She wanted a do-over. _Don't be stupid,_ she scolded herself. _You made him go. This is your fault._ Eventually she drifted off to sleep, but her dreams were riddled with memories of her and Jess.

 _"Hey," Rory smiled in Luke's nephew's direction._

 _"Hey," he replied. He was pretty hot._

 _"I'm Rory," she got up from her chair._

 _"Yeah I figured... wow, aren't we hooked on phonics?"_

 _Rory blushed. "Oh yeah, I read a lot. Do you read?"_

 _Jess shrugged. "Not much."_

 _"So why did you do it?"_

 _"Do what?" He frowned._

 _"Outbid Dean like that!"_

 _Jess smirked. "It started out as a joke. But he's so tall, and he got so mad, and it was just really funny."_

 _"It wasn't funny!"_

 _Jess frowned. "Well, if it makes you feel better, I didn't intend to do it."_

 _"This isn't Shakespeare! This is a Clash song," Rory rolled her eyes._

 _"Huh," Jess raised his eyebrows. "But which song?"_

 _"I'm not answering-"_

 _"10, 9, 8, 7"_

 _"Jess!"_

 _"5, 4"_

 _"Jess, no!"_

 _"3,2-"_

 _"Ooh!" Rory squealed. "Guns of Brixton!"_

 _"A plus" Jess smirked._

Rory snapped out of her dream. It was 3am, but she either didn't notice or didn't care. She went to Luke's, as her mom was with Jason for the night.

"Luke!" She banged on the door of the diner. "Luke, I need you!"

Luke came downstairs in a robe, scowling and opening the door. "Rory?"

"I need Jess' address."

Luke almost tripped over a chair. "I don't know-"

"Yes. You do." Rory cut him off. He scribbled an address on a piece of paper, handing it to Rory.

"Look," Luke said. "I don't know what happened with you guys but please don't get yourself hurt. I would hate it if he hurt you."

"Don't worry, I'm used to it. See you!" She ran out of the diner to her Prius, driving as fast as she possible could to New York.


	2. You know it's only love

It took her hours to get to Jess' apartment. Jess' _very_ ugly apartment. "11, 12, 13, 14, ah 15!" She arrived at unit 15 to find the door open. Inside were about 8 dodgy mattresses, and the one in the corner was covered in books so rory could only assume it was Jess'. Before she could look around any further, the almost stepped on a guy. He was lying on the floor in a ball, not moving. Rory almost ignored him, thinking it was one of Jess' roommates, but then she realised that it was _him._ She hesitated, then crouched down and touched his shoulder. "Jess?" He only groaned in response, and Rory wasn't sure if he even recognised her. "Jess," she whispered. He didn't acknowledge her this time. He just whimpered. Like he was about to start crying. She lifted him up and put him on the couch in the corner of the room, then sat next to him with her hand on his knee. He finally opened his eyes, and looked suprised to see her. "R-Rory...?" He asked, rubbing his eyes.

"Jess, are you okay? You were totally out of it when I found you."

"How-"

"Luke," she said. "Jess, what's wrong with you?"

"Nothing," he said. He started to get up, but Rory held him down.

"If you don't want to tell me what caused it then fine, but at least let me stay here," Rory tightened her grip on Jess' leg.

He looked to the ground, afraid that he would cry again. "Why would you even want to come?"

Rory wasn't surprised that he asked her this. After all, she didn't exactly reply to him at the firelight festival. "I couldn't sleep," she started, then when she saw Jess' face ligh up a little - maybe in hope - she continued, "Every time I tried to fall asleep I thought of... memories of us."

Before she knew it, Jess had his arms tightly wrapped around her, his head resting on the shoulder. Rory was quick to respond, her hand releasing from his leg and wrapping around him, putting her chin on his head.

All he wanted to do was be alone. He knew that when a roommate came in he would have to move, but he just wanted to be alone. When the door opened and a woman came in, he assumed it was Steve's new girlfriend, so he ignored her. When she lifted him up, he just wanted her to let go. She wasn't very good at lifting, he had to partly walk anyway. When she sat down next to him and asked what was wrong, he realised it wasn't this woman's voice. It was Rory's. She had come back for him. He had to seriously restrain himself from pulling her into a kiss instead of a hug. She didn't love him, she had made that clear. She probably just wanted to apologise, and ask to be friends. So instead he hugged her as tightly as he could.

"I have to go..." Rory said, but her arms were still around Jess. "I just wanted to come see you... I don't know why."

"Oh," Jess said, his face falling a little. He didn't want her to leave. He was expecting her to pull away, but she stayed in this embrace. He pulled her closer, and she fell into him without argument. After about 15 minutes of sitting together, Rory started to doze off.

" _I'd be careful out on the streets if I were you," Jess joked. "I hear there's a pretty high crime rate."_

 _"Funny," Rory scowled._

 _"Feeling succint today?" Jess asked._

 _"Yep, pretty much," Rory countered. "Why did you do it, Jess? You got Luke attacked by the entire town! He does everything for you, and this is how you repay him?"_

 _"What do you mean?" Jess raised an eyebrow._

 _"Nothing. I meant nothing. Hey, Dean."_

 _"Boyfriend?" Jess gestured to Dean._

 _"Of course!" Rory put an arm around him._

 _"Great. How you doing?" He spoke slowly because Dean looked kind of stupid._

 _"I'm great. Rory, let's go."_

 _"Okay. See you later, Jess!"_

 _"Seems to turn out that way, doesn't it?" He smirked and walked away._

Rory woke up to a loud snore from Jess. "Oh, god! I fell asleep!" She disantangled herself from Jess' grasp and grabbed her handbag, hoping to sneak out the door. She was just about to put her hand on the knob when she heard footsteps coming from behind her.

"Thought you could leave without saying goodbye, huh?" Jess smirked. "Well, you can't."

"Oh. Well..." Rory looked into his eyes. "Goodbye Jess."

"Bye, Rory." He watched her leave, before blurting out the question that came to his mind. "Rory?"

She whipped around. "Yeah? What's up?"

"I - uh... was this - did you... we're friends, right?" He figured Rory's appearing at his door to look after him was purely friendly.

Rory smiled. _No!_ "Yeah. Friends." She walked out the door, before stopping and turning around. "Do you have some paper and a pen? I'll give you my dorm number at Yale so you can see me if you like. Also my new cell number, if you want."

Jess almost fell over himself trying to get to his small supply of stationary quickly. "Yeah, sure." He handed her a gun wrapper and a pencil. "That's all I got," he smiled sheepishly.

"It's okay. It's perfect." She scribbled something down on the paper and handed it back to him. "See you." She walked out the door and got in her car. Jess walked inside to read her address.

 _You can get my number from Luke, tell him I said it's okay. My address is just Yale, find me._

Helpful.

 _"Why did you come here?" He asked through the window._

 _"What?" Rory obviously couldn't hear him, so she opened the latch._

 _"I said," he repeated, "why did you come here?"_

 _"Because... you didn't say goodbye."_

 _"Oh..." he instantly felt horrible about leaving without being able to tell her. "Goodbye, Rory."_

 _She smiled sadly. "Bye, Jess."_

 _He watched her sit down in a seat, then turned his head away. He couldn't possibly deal without that girl in his life, but he knew that Rory would only visit New York that one time. She had a boyfriend, for gods sake. She could live without him, she would forget about him. He would just be a speck in the gigantic array of people who had fallen for the blue-eyed-beauty, also known as Rory Gilmore._

He sat on the couch. _I have to go back to Stars Hollow,_ he realised, getting up and walking to the door. _Wait. Not yet. She just left, you'll look too desperate. Play it cool._ He decided he would leave it for a few days before going back for the girl of his dreams.

When Rory arrived at Yale again, it was early morning and some people had already gotten into the cafeteria (probably to get cocoa puffs). She walked into her dorm and started to edit her paper which was due that day. _I wish he would come back for me,_ she thought. She gave up on editing and tried to sleep, she would get about 3 hours before her first class.

After class, she called Lorelai. "Hey, kid!"

"Hi Mom!"

"You coming home later today?"

"Duh, it's the grand opening of the inn! Of course!"

"Great, hon. But just so you know, Dean..."

"Will be there," Rory finished. "I don't have a problem with that! I've gotta go, bye!" She clicked the 'end' button.

"Paris!" She yelled into her dorm. "Paris?" That was when she realised that everyone was gone. That it was just her. She exited the campus, having just finished finals, and sped off to Stars Hollow, her thoughts drifting to when Jess had first been there.

 _"Little tip?" Rory asked._

 _"Sure," Jess raised an eyebrow._

 _"If you ever want to speak to me again, don't pull that out of my ear."_

 _Jess smirked. "So I guess the nose is off limits too?"_

 _"Any place you wouldn't naturally find a coin."_

 _Jess walked a little closer to her. "I'll leave you with this last trick," he pulled out a copy of 'Howl' from his back pocket._

 _"You bought a copy?" Rory enquired. "I told you I'd lend you mine!"_

 _"It's yours."_

 _"You stole my book?!"_

 _"Borrowed it."_

 _Rory laughed, snatching the book. "That's not a trick, that's a felony!" She shoved it under her arm._

 _"Just thought I'd write some stuff in the margins for you," he smirked, watching Rory pull out the book again and flick through with wide eyes._

 _"You've read this before?" She was incredibly taken aback._

 _"About... 40 times," he shrugged._

 _"I thought you didn't read much," she smiled, raising her eyebrows._

 _"Well," he replied, "what is much? Goodnight, Rory."_

 _"Goodnight, dodger," she turned and walked away, before hearing his voice again._

 _"Dodger?"_

 _"Figure it out."_

 _He hesitated, her smile infectious. "Oliver Twist," he seemed pretty proud of himself. She smiled even broader and nodded, walking away again._

Rory!!!!!!" Her mom came running at her and lunged, both of them falling onto the carpet. "Do you like it?" She pointed around the room, where builders were putting doors on hinges and whatnot. "Welcome to the Dragonfly Inn!"

"It's beautiful! It's magical! It's- Dean?"

He rounded the corner before freezing. "Uh, Rory! H-hi..."

Lorelai gave them a weird side glance, before speaking. "I've got to check on Sookie, she's having a meltdown in the kitchen." She walked off to leave the 2 nineteen year olds in privacy. Dean ducked behind a curtain, gesturing for Rory to follow.

"So I heard what happened with you and Jess," he started. Rory's throat started to close up with nerves. What part of Rory and Jess' crazy relationship did he know about.

"What happened with me and Jess?" She asked.

Dean sighed. "He told you he loved you and then ran away?" He raised an evebrow. "At least, that's what Babette and Miss Patty are telling everyone who will listen."

Rory laughed, but it was a sad laugh. "Yeah, he just took off after Kyle's party. He said he would call me, but he didn't for about 3 weeks. Then at my graduation he called my cell but didn't say anything, so I broke up with him." She let out a sob, so Dean put an arm around her and urged her to keep talking. "Then he just appeared, randomly, in Stars Hollow. We started bumping into each other, at Weston's, at the library... I just wanted to talk, but each time he saw me he just ran. Then, the next night, was the firelight festival. Here comes the fun part..." she let out another sob, and Dean tightened his grip on her and they sat down. "I was getting a burger, and then there he is, just standing next to the line, staring. So then I run away, yelling at him as I go, but then this stupid tree root gets in my way and I fall on my ass. Then Jess catches up, and he makes me talk to him. I start screaming in his face, telling him about how he left and then a year later he's just... here. He asks if we can sit down, because he has to talk to me..."

"Keep going..."

"Then he told me he loved me."

"Oh... he can't just do that and walk away!"

"I know."

"I don't want you with him," Dean looked her in the eye. "I'm happy you didn't get back with him..."

"Why?" Rory asked, puzzled. She really hoped it wasn't the reason she though was coming. Dean was married!

"Because..."

"Because you're my friend," Rory finished. "And he doesn't treat me right?"

"Yeah... that's it."

He leaned in, and all of a sudden their lips were touching and before they knew it, they were making out. They had at least 30 seconds before they were interrupted. "Dean?" Tom had walked through the door, only to step back again. "Oh... I'm sorry... I didn't mean to-"

"It's okay, Tom," Rory interrupted. "I was just leaving." She ran out the door, leaving Dean and Tom both confused.


	3. Why are you letting him hurt you more?

The next Wednesday was the first public opening of the Dragonfly, and Lorelai was _beyond_ what you could call excited. She finished 4 pots of coffee in the morning, so she was buzzing (literally), and at 6.15 she jumped on Rory's bed, crushing the air out of her daughter. "Morning, sunshine!!! I'm officially an inn owner today!"

Rory groaned, pushing her mother off her. "Does that mean that you have to deprive the rest of us of sleep?"

"Yes!" Lorelai grinned. "Up up up! Hustle hustle hustle!" Rory groaned and stuck her head under her pillow, hoping to make her mother go away. Quite the contrary, Lorelai started jumping on Rory's bed.

"Fine!! I'll get up!" Rory finally yelled.

"Yay!" Lorelai squealed. "Lets go to Luke's for waffles!"

" _Mom,_ " Rory rolled her eyes. Luke doesn't sell waffles!"

"I'm sure he will for us! Get dressed!" She ran out of Rory's room.

 _This is going to be a long day,_ she thought to herself, before deciding not to get up and resuming her sleep. Lorelai decided it was best to just leave her.

The rest of the week had gone smoothly, for both Lorelai and Rory. Rory had been able to relax, and the topic of Jess and his unexpected 'I love you' hadn't come up in conversation. She had no more weird encounters with Dean, in fact, she hadn't seen him since.

Lorelai had been busy with the inn, but most things had run smoothly. She had also gone to Liz and TJ's wedding, and the wedding derailed as soon as Liz had to walk down the aisle, her son Jess being an unexpected no-show. Everything was fixed, however, when Luke volunteered to do it himself, but Lorelai couldn't help but hate Jess just a _little_ more for making everyone's life so hard.

"Sookie, hurry up!" Lorelai shrieked, as Sookie kept coming out of the kitchen to see the first wave of guests come into the inn. "I'm dealing with the people, you deal with the food!"

"Okay, okay!" Sookie ran back to the kitchen.

As Luke walked in Lorelai ran over to him. "You don't have any other guests, am I right?" She gave him a dazzling smile.

"Well, in pretty sure Jess isn't coming, so... nope, just me."

"Great," Lorelai took his hand and lead him upstairs. "There's your room, sorry it has no door yet. I tried to get it done earlier but no luck..." she smiled at him and made him blush, so he had to hide his face.

"Mom?" Rory called upstairs, not game to go up in case a door whacked her in the face while they were getting put up. "You up there?"

"Yep!" She came downstairs. You slept for a while, it's... wow, 1 o'clock! How did you manage that? It's a bit early to be getting lucky..."

"God!" Rory made a horrified face at her mother. "You're crazy! I did not get lucky! I only unpacked some boxes!"

Lorelai threw her arms in the air. "Okay! I'm going back upstairs, don't hit on any of the builders."

"Mom!" Rory covered her ears.

"Sorry!" She ran back upstairs.

The rest of the day went perfectly, without a single hurdle, at least until 8 o'clock when dinner was served. When Lorelai walked out of the dining hall, she almost walked headlong into Jason. Jason Stiles. Jason who had wanted to sue her family. Little did she know, though he was out of earshot, Luke was watching her every move. "What the-"

"Lorelai," Jason held up a hand to cut her off. "I don't want to end our relationship. I know we hit a rough patch-"

"A rough patch?!" Lorelai yelled over the top of him. "Jason, we broke up! You wanted to sue my family!"

"I had to," he grimaced.

"No you didn't! You didn't _have to!"_ She screamed, eyes wide.

Jason put his hands on her shoulders, ignoring her frantic attempts to get the hell away from him. "Lorelai, I had to sue your father if I wanted to continue working in the insurance business. I had to."

"Okay, fine. Maybe you had to. But I can't be with someone who's doing that to my family! I'm sorry, I just can't!" She loosened herself from his grip and started to walk away, before turning around. He was plopped in a chair, reading one of the books from a shelf. "Do you... do you want something to eat?" She asked tentatively.

"I want a room," Jason said simply.

"I'm all booked out!" Lorelai said flustered. "I can get you some pot roast-"

"Lorelai Gilmore!" A voice started shrieking her name. It sounded remarkably like... "How dare you put your father and I in the same room?"

"What do you mean, mom? You wanted a room at the inn, you got it."

"We got a room 150 feet away from the inn! It's all dark, _peasants_ should live there!"

"It's romantic! What is your problem?" Lorelai yelled at her mother, knowing full well the answer. Emily would finally admit her and Richard's seaparation, not that it wasn't already obvious.

"You know the problem, Lorelai! You know your father and I have separated! We just didn't want to tell you!"

"What exactly do you want from me, mom?"

"I want another room," she stated.

"You can't have another room, mom. They're all booked up. I gave you that room."

"I bet Jason got a room! Did you get a room, Jason?"

"No, I didn't." They we're both glaring at Lorelai.

"Your father and I are leaving. I just thought I'd tell you. Goodbye." Emily walked out the door and got into her limo.

"God!" Lorelai smashed a hand on the coffee table. "I'll get you that pot roast."

"I don't need it, I'm okay. I'll just sit here and read."

"Okay." Lorelai walked back into the dining room, and up the stairs to find Rory. The doors had been finished, so there was a chance her daughter had snuck up there. She kept calling her name, until she heard a "here" from in their room. "Honey?" She walked in to find her daughter reading 'A Farewell to Arms'. "Why are you reading Hemingway? You hate his books... oh god."

"What?" She looked up at Lorelai.

"This isn't about Jess, is it? Rory, reading Hemingway isn't going to get him back. He's gone, and you should be over him." When Rory didn't answer, Lorelai pushed a little harder. "Rory? Why won't you talk?"

"I visited him," she whispered. Lorelai took a sharp intake of breath. "I went to New York. I just... wanted to see him. It was a day you were with Jason. I couldn't sleep, I just... I just drove! It took forever, but I just... had to." Lorelai frowned at her.

"Was he okay? Saying you love someone and then realising they don't love you... I'm not saying you should have told him you love him, I just think it might have been hard for him."

"He was..." she swallowed the lump in her throat. "He was curled up on the ground, not moving. Like he was sleeping, but I think he was actually crying. I talked to him, but he didn't seem to recognise me. I had to lift him up - sort of, I'm not very strong, as you know - I had to drag him to the sofa. That seemed like the first time that night he recognised me, and... it was just so sad."

"Aww," Lorelai put an arm around her. "Honey, I can imagine. You just have to let go."

Rory's eyes filled up with tears. "Mom... that's the problem. I don't... I don't think I want to let go." Her mothers chest rose up, signalling deep breaths.

"You still want to be with Jess? After all he did to you? The lying, the running away, the not graduating, the pushing, the fighting... the saying he loves you and then running away? You still want that?"

"Don't make it sound so terrible," Rory grumbles. "Jess is... he's a great guy. He's just a little messed up."

"Rory, I want you to think about this. Jess isn't exactly stable. You're going to Yale, and he's living god knows where in New York. Just because you haven't been with anyone last the last year doesn't mean you should rush into relationships."

"This is _Jess!_ It's not just a _relationship!_ "

"Rory, the fact that it's Jess doesn't change what I have to say, nor does it make it any better."

"Mom," Rory's voice had started to shake. "Stop it."

"Why?"

"I know this will sound hasty, and stupid."

"Just tell me!" Lorelai was getting impatient now.

"I think I love him."

Lorelai's shoulders sagged. "You - uh... Rory, are you sure? That's a big step, kid."

"Mom, will you stop treating me like a little girl? I'm nineteen! I know it's a big step, but I wish you would respect the fact that I've thought about it. I know you have some weird problem with Jess, but if I say that I want to be with him then you should appreciate it."

"You've always been the girl who thinks things through! You make pro - con lists about everything! You can't be the girl who doesn't see a guy for a year and then decides she loves him! Rory, you know he's not dependable. I know you, I know you want to be with someone dependable!"

"Someone like Dean?" Rory demanded. She knew where this was going.

"Honestly, yes. I worried much less when you were with Dean. I don't like Jess at all, I'm sorry. I know it violates the whole cool mom thing I've got going, but I don't want you to be with him."

"Mom, you can't just say that. You can't just keep me away from him. I'm going, congratulations on the inn." She walked out the door of the room, downstairs, and past Jason and Luke to get to her car. Hold on. _Jason and Luke?_ Lorelai almost forgot that she and Rory had just had a massive falling out, and that her daughter had gone who knows where, because she couldn't believe her eyes. Jason and Luke? "Hey," she reached the foot of the stairs and looked them both over.

"Hey," they said at the same time, and Luke stayed silent as Jason continued to talk. "Well, seeing as I can't get a room is better go. It was very nice to see you, Lorelai."

"You too," she faked a smile as he kissed her hand. "Bye, Jason."

As soon as Jason was out of sight, Luke started towards the door. "Hey! Luke, why are you leaving?"

"You're supposed to let actions speak louder than words, right?"

"Right," Lorelai was incredibly confused by this outburst.

"I thought I did pretty good! I did what the book said, what more do you want?"

"What book?!"

"I bought a stupid love book! Called "how to find love", or "how to love when you're not loved", or something! It said to do nice things, so I bought you flowers! I've never bought flowers for anyone!"

"Luke, what's your point?"

"I thought there was a moment! At Liz's wedding, I thought there was something! But I was obviously wrong, because that Jason guy comes in and tells me you're dating!"

"What? No! We broke up!"

"Well, maybe you should tell him that. Now, was there a moment or was I just imagining it?"

Lorelai paused. "There was. There _was_ a moment."

Luke almost smiled, as he stepped towards Lorelai. She stepped back, suprised. "What are you doing?" She whispered, as Luke mumbled, "would you just stand still?" She did as asked, and a shock of electricity went through her body as Luke's lips touched hers. He pulled away.

She went towards him, like he did to her, and this time he stepped away. "What are you doing?" He demanded. "Would you just stand still," she murmured, before grazing his lips again with her own, holding her arms around him, playing with the lower parts of his hair.

She pulled away, and they looked into each other's eyes. Luke stepped forward, Lorelai mirroring his movements. He pulled her into him and she allowed herself to fall into his grip. They almost had a perfect moment - _almost_ \- but what was life without a bit of fun? Kirk ran out the door screaming, the only thing covering him a pillow over his crotch.

"I'll be back!" Luke yelled over Kirk's shrieks, chasing him around the streets.

"God, there isn't one quiet night in this town!" Lorelai rolled her eyes, before going inside to make a few calls about where her daughter had gone.

 **A/N: Please please _please_ review! They keep me going, so more reviews = more chapters! All I ask is that you don't review about the Authors Notes!**


	4. When I Thought About Home

Lorelai called Rory multiple times, only to get the message that her number was disconnected. There were many horrible things a daughter could do to her mother, but cutting off all communication wasn't one of them. What if Rory was hurt?

A week after running away, Rory was still camped out at her Grandparents house. When she had appeared at their front door, they had apprehensively let her stay for a while. She had helped with some DAR stuff, and it was generally fairly fun. She read books from Richard, went to some parties. But she was _really_ missing Lorelai. And Stars Hollow. And though she hated to admit it... she was missing Jess.

"Rory!" Emily yelled. "Get out of bed and have breakfast with us!" Rory slammed her hand on her bedside table to signal that she'd heard, and got out of bed for breakfast, walking downstairs. She felt trapped in this place, but it was better than Stars Hollow. "Young lady," Emily scolded. "You cannot come out of your room dressed like - well, like that!" She gestured to her granddaughters pyjamas, and Rory snapped. "Grandma, I'm 19! I'm perfectly capable of deciding what I'm wearing to breakfast, thank you very much." She sat down and buttered a scone. Emily tutted at her but kept drinking her tea.

Rory wasn't happy with the situation, but Richard and Emily had agreed not to tell Lorelai where to find her, so it was a pretty good deal.

"Lorelai," Luke said. "Are you okay?" His new partner (god, he loved calling Lorelai that, he had been waiting for it for years!) looked like she had been dragged backwards through a hedge.

"No," she choked out. "Rory's..."

"What?" Luke asked. "What happened to Rory?"

"You mean you didn't notice she wasn't here?" Lorelai yelled, tears falling through the already formed tracks on her face.

"I thought she went back to Yale or something, I don't know! What happened, Lorelai?" he had put down the cloth he was using to wipe the table and gave Lorelai his full attention.

"Rory's gone."

"Gone?!" Luke demanded. "What do you mean gone? Gone... like..."

"No!" Lorelai exclaimed. "God no, she's not dead. At least, I hope not... look, she disconnected her phone. We got into an argument, she drove off. I have no idea where she went or anything."

"Okay, Lorelai. You're not going to like this, but I'm going to call someone who really cares about her. I know you hate him, but Jess deserves to know."

"Oh," Lorelai looked down. "Well Luke... mine and Rory's fight was kind of about Jess. About whether Rory should go out with him again. I kind of said... that I would never let it happen."

"Ah, jeez," Luke sighed. "Okay look. I'm calling Jess, but I won't give him details, like why you and Rory were fighting. Okay?"

"Okay, I guess... I'll be at home, okay?"

"Okay," Luke nodded as she walked out the door. He dialled Jess' cell number, hoping he hadn't changed it again.

"Hello?" His voice filtered through the phone. "Who is this? I didn't pay for caller ID."

"Jess, it's Luke."

"Oh," Jess said. "What's up?"

"It's Rory," he sighed.

"Rory?" His voice was sounding more panicked now. "What happened?! Is she okay?"

"We don't know."

Jess raised his voice, "What do you mean, we don't know? Luke, what the hell is going on?"

"She ran away," Luke said. "Her and Lorelai had a fight or something, and Rory left, changed her phone number and everything."

"I'll be right there," Jess replied, hanging up and getting into his car. Rory was gone? She _never_ ran away. Not from Lorelai. What the hell?

This was his fault. He knew Rory and Lorelai probably had a fight about him, that was the only thing he could think of that could drive such a wedge between them... but if they were arguing about him, Rory must have been on his side. Did she possibly still want to be with him?

He drove and drove, a drive that never used to feel that long was taking an eternity. Three hours finally ticked by, and he was almost in Stars Hollow.

"Jess!" Luke ran towards Jess' car when he saw him arrive. "We still haven't found anything. We've called everyone we can think of, and nothing. I'm really worried about her, Jess. We might never see her again." Jess had never seen Luke this stressed or upset. He loved Rory like she was his kid, and he had looked after her over the years (or so Jess had heard). But now she was gone. It would have been even harder for Luke than for Jess, which must have meant it was _really_ horrible.

"We'll find her," He said, though he wasn't sure of that himself. "I promise. Now let's go inside, shall we?"

"Okay," Luke nodded slowly.

"Okay." Jess opened the door into the diner, only to see Lorelai holding a phone in one hand and running her finger down a phone book with the other. "Lorelai?" He asked.

She looked up. "Uh, Jess. Hey." Her eyes were red and unfocused, she had obviously not slept at all since Rory left.

He walked up to her, putting a hand on her shoulder. "Lorelai, I promise, we'll find her. I know you don't like me, but you know that I love Rory, and that I would never let her disappear. I care about her a lot. And I swear to god, she's not going to just fall off the face of the Earth and leave us all waiting for her to come back. I'm not going to wait fifty years until we're old and grey, I'll help you find her."

"Jess, I never liked you," she said. This caused Jess to immediately think that no matter what he did, he could never make Lorelai Gilmore realise that he was worth something. That she could trust him. "But recently, what with telling her you love her and coming back for her, coming back to help us find her... you're a good kid, Jess. Now it's not like I'm all for you and Rory getting back together, but if you guys think it's right, then it must be right. What I'm saying, is... I'm not going to stand in your way. Rory is capable of making her own choices, and she's a good judge of character. If she chooses you... I'll support her, no matter what."

"Thanks, Lorelai." They sat in silence for a while, before Jess decided to break the ice. "So, you've called everyone who could know anything, right?"

Lorelai smiled. "Yeah, of course!"

Jess could tell that she was lying, by her sudden change in tone. "Are you sure? _Everyone?"_

"Well," she said, and he raised his eyebrow. "Everyone of importance."

"Lorelai, who didn't you call?"

"Emily and Richard." Emily and Richard? Who were Emily and Richard? Oh, wait...

"Emily and Richard, your -"

"Parents," she finished. She didn't call her parents?

"Why didn't you call them, Lorelai?"

She shrugged. "I don't like them?"

"Lorelai." This wasn't the whole truth, he knew it.

"Look, my parents always call me out on things I do wrong, especially with Rory. Some things, they can deal with. You know, the junk food, the slow internet, and most of the time the boyfriends." She looked apologetic to Jess because she knew what happened last time he was there. "Anyway, they won't deal with this one. Letting your kid run away? No way. They'll bust me so hard, and they might not even have her."

"Rory told me a story once," he replied. "A story about when she was younger, you two got into a fight and she told you to meet at home but then she got in a cab and went to Hartford. I think you should check with her parents. As for the parenting thing, you ran away, so it falls back on them too."

"I guess you're right," she said, taking out her phone and dialling a number.

"Rory!" Emily yelled. Try on your dress for tomorrow!"

"But grandma, I already tried it, 6 times!"

"Not with Miss Celine watching, let her alter it for you."

"The party is tomorrow! She can't alter it in one day!"

"Rory, please just try on your dress?"

"Fine," Rory replied. The phone rang, and of course the maid answered it.

"It's for you," she handed the phone to Emily.

"Hello?" She held the receiver far from her ear, not used to the volume of the phone. "Lorelai?" That got Rory's attention. She went a little closer to hear what was on the other end of the line.

"Is Rory there?" She faintly heard her mothers voice through the phone, and it sounded very worried. Maybe it was time to give up on the fight, apologise and just go home?

She didn't hear the next thing Lorelai said, but she heard Emily's response loud and clear. "Well too bad, Lorelai. You couldn't look after her daughter she came here. She's going to end up like you, you know. She's not going back, no matter how hard I push her to. She made her choice, there's nothing you can do to stop it. I'm sorry, Lorelai."

Rory started to walk up the stairs to her room, when she heard Emily again. "There's a party tomorrow," she said in a stern voice. "I advise you don't crash it." She hung up the phone and walked upstairs, where Rory was crying. "Rory?" Emily knocked lightly on the door and walked into the room. "Come down for some tea."

"I don't want to, I'm tired." She turned her tear stained face to her grandmother, looking into her eyes.

"Rory, what's wrong?"

"I ran away. I know how much it hurt you when mom did the same thing. I hurt the only thing that was always supports me. I hurt my mother. She's going to hate me." She put her head in her hands, and Emily say down next to her. No words were exchanged, but it was a bittersweet moment none the less.

 **A/N: First of all, what do you think of this chapter? I'll write a part II later, I just didn't want like a 6k word chapter.**

 **Secondly, I've started writing on Wattpad! One of the stories I've posted is the same as this one, but I'm writing another one called "The Face I Came to Know" which is post-revival Literati. Go follow my page!**

 **Lastly, shoutout to my friend Lizina, she always reads my chapters before I post them so there aren't too many typos (of course there is some we overlook but overall pretty good.)**

 **AJ Granger: I understand your confusion. The best way to read this is to imagine it as an alternate universe, and just roll with it. I kind of write chapters and post them, then realise something that happened before. I might reference some things that happened, without actually writing in detail about them... also Luke didn't guilt trip Jess into coming because it was an _unexpected_ no show. Thanks for your review, anyway!**


	5. A New Theme, A Drama, A Book?

"Rory!" Emily screeched. "I need you to be down here, _right now!"_ She could tell her Grandmother was majorly freaking out, but Paris was on the phone.

"Who was that?" Paris asked.

"My G _randmother_ ," Rory complained.

"So you're still staying there?" Paris asked.

"Sorry," Rory lied, evading the question. "Other line. Bye, Paris!" She hung up the phone and sighed. _I've got to get out of this place,_ she thought.

" _Rory!"_ Emily yelled again. "You're being presented in _two hours!_ Get your dress on and let Miss Celine take a look at you!"

Rory rolled her eyes and sighed. " _Fine,_ Grandma!"

It was six p.m. in the Gilmore house, and with only a couple of hours to spare Emily made sure that every servant in Hartford were putting up decorations, plating up food of measuring distance between candles.

"Young lady," Emily scolded. "You have been up there on that phone for over an hour, you should have told this Paris to leave you alone."

"She's a _friend,_ Grandma," Rory sighed. "I'm not a jerk, I can't tell her to leave me alone. She's one of the only people still on my side."

"Now, let me get someone to fix your hair and makeup, we have just over an hour."

"Hour and a half," Rory corrected.

"Stop talking and go into my bedroom."

" _Yes,_ Grandma." She shook her ass she she bounded up the stairs, making her Grandmother groan.

"God, she's a miniature Lorelai. And I thought it got shaken out of her." She shook her head, shuffling up the stairs after her Granddaughter.

"These earrings are pretty," Emily handed them to Rory, inviting her to put them on. "Oh, something's missing... a tiara!"

"Uhh..." Rory mumbled. "A _tiara?"_ Emily took out a silver tiara and placed it above Rory's updo.

"You look beautiful, Rory. Let's go downstairs, shall we?"

Grandmother and Granddaughter walked down the stairs, as Richard announced, "Everyone, this is Rory!" The crowd "ooh"ed and "aah"ed, and Rory noticed a blonde guy smirk and whisper something to his friend. She gave him a withering stare, and continued to walk.

"Rory!" Richard said, grabbing her arm. "I want you to meet some people. This is Min and Argus head, and their son Andrew. Andrew, this is Rory." She blushed.

"Nice to meet you, Rory," he smirked, and shook her hand.

"You too," Rory replied.

"You know, Rory," Richard piped up, "Andrew is attending Yale law next year!"

"That's great!" Rory grinned, adding, "Especially if you want to be a lawyer." Everyone laughed at her joke, and Rory started to walk away. This time Emily grabbed her arm, leading her across the room. "I'd like you to meet Deanna and Chase Anderson, and their son Donnan."

"Hey," Donnan said, waving a small hand.

"Hey yourself," Rory replied.

"Rory, Donnan is going to take over his father's shipping business one day," Richard exclaimed, seemingly delighted.

"Yes," Emily agreed. "Our own Aristotle Onassis, but hopefully with better table manners." Everyone laughed politely.

"Nothing's written in stone yet, though," Donnan said. "We have to see what kind of pension plan the company has, and then-"

"Rory's going to be a journalist," Emily interrupted. "Take the world by storm. You should talk to her in private later!"

"I'll be sure to do that," Donnan nodded.

"Well," Emily looked around the room. "We have to make the rounds. Goodbye, Donnan, Deanna, Chase." They all waved, and Rory braced herself to meet yet another Yale man.

"Ah," Richard announced. "I knew we forgot someone. Rory, meet Shira and Mitchum Huntzberger, and their son Logan." Rory smiled, realising Logan was the guy who was whispering about her appearance to his friend.

"Nice to meet you, _Rory,"_ Logan laughed. "I think I've seen you around Yale. Class of 2006?"

"Nope, '07," Rory replied. Maybe she actually liked this guy. Something about him, his persona, his wit, his looks... he was the only contender out of the guys to whom she had been introduced. "Grandma, can I talk to you for a second?"

"Rory..."

"Oh, the other guests can wait. Please?"

"Well, okay. I'll talk to you later, Logan, Shira, Mitchum." Rory grabbed Emily and Richard by the hands, dragging them into the entrance way. "What?" Emily asked.

"Grandma, do any of your alumni friends have daughters?"

"Daughters?" Emily questioned. "What do you mean?"

"Well, Grandma, Grandpa. It looks like there are a lot of _boys_ here, but not that many _girls."_

Richard looked at Emily shrugging. "No girls? Why, I didn't notice. Did you notice, Emily?"

"No, I didn't." Emily smiled tightly. "I guess I'll have to check the guest list more closely next time. Won't I, Richard?"

"Yes, you will... oh, look. The Campbell boy! Come on, let's go say hi."

"Campbell, like the soup!" Emily whispered in Rory's ear, before walking off to join Richard. She walked into the patio, grabbing a Coke.

"Not a booze girl, huh?" A brown haired guy walked up to her and got himself a beer out of the esky. "Why," he winked. "Get a little crazy when you drink?"

"Yes, that's it. _So_ crazy."

"Well, I'd like to see that. I'm Jordan, by the way."

"You're not going to see it, and hi."

"You're Grandmother sent me over here, she thinks we're made for each other or something."

"Well, how convenient," Rory laughed bitterly. There was a couple moments of silence, before Logan strode into the scene.

"Hey, babe. I'm glad you found this guy, because then you wouldn't have noticed how _late_ I was! Hey," Logan looked at Jordan, "Thanks for keeping my girl busy, you're a good man."

"Oh," Jordan cleared his throat. "You're dating him?"

"Going on six months," Logan answered. "Great time in a relationship, right Rory?"

"Right," Rory agreed.

"Then what the hell am I doing here?" He asked, before walking away. Logan removed his arm from around Rory's waist. "Thankyou," Rory gushed. "You saved the day."

"Call me superman, I know you're probably bored as hell. The first thing you need to know about making these parties interesting, is to form a sub-party. Finn, grab the beer!" He quickly introduced Rory to Finn, Colin and Robert, before leading her to the pool house.

"Uh, I'm going to go get some soda..." Rory started.

"No soda in here m'lady," Finn answered.

"I can go back in there though," Rory rolled her eyes.

"Haha," Logan feigned laughter. "Be prepared for-" he changed his voice to a high pitched one- "Oh, Rory! You should join the Daughters of the American Revolution! Have your first debut!"

"Oh, god," Rory complained, smacking his arm. "I already came out in white dresses when I was seventeen. Surely once is enough!"

"Did you marry your escort?" Robert asked.

Rory held her left hand up for the guys to see.

"Ah, she didn't marry him!" Finn exclaimed. "Anyway, love, no soda for you. Have a drink," he passed her the bottle, and Rory prepared for her first ever alcoholic drink. She took a small sip, then, wanting more satisfaction of her thirst, took another larger swig.

"You like it, don't you?" Logan asked, smirking.

"Yeahhh," Rory giggled, making all the guys laugh.

"Save some for us, ace," Logan took the bottle out of her hands and took a swig, before passing it on to Finn, who waved him away, taking two more bottles out of his jacket.

"I'll take my own bottle, thanks Logan," he cocked an eyebrow, and Logan just sighed. "I guess Robert's driving, then?"

Robert shrugged. "Whatever, I get to see you guys and Rory drunk. That's not something I'd want to miss."

"Hey!" Rory protested. "I am _not_ going to get drunk," she said, taking the bottle off Logan and gulping down as much as she could.

"Drinking at that speed, you might, ace. Slow down," Logan grabbed her arm and pried the bottle out of it. "More for me."

 ** _Earlier that day, in Stars Hollow:_**

'Lorelai, I think I want to go pick up Rory from her Grandparents place tonight. That way, they'll possible see that I'm actually worth something, that maybe I would be good for her.' He recited what he was going to say in his head, pulling on a Clash shirt and walking down the stairs to the diner, and unsurprisingly Lorelai was sitting at the counter begging Luke for whipped cream on her pancakes. "Just give her the cream," Jess said, brushing his un-moussed hair off his face. He was trying a new style, he was going to let it grow out. At least, that's what he told people, but the truth was that he didn't have any money to get his hair cut and he sure as hell wasnt going to cut it himself.

"You should really cut your hair, Jess," Luke sighed.

"Nope. And legally you can't make me, considering that firstly I'm not a child, and secondly that I'm not living with you. Thanks for the suggestion though, _Uncle Luke._ " Luke fixed him with an angry stare. He didn't know why he was being such an asshole, but for some reason it was particularly prominent this morning. Realising it was probably not the best idea, considering he was about to ask Lorelai for a favour, he cut the crap and started to serve customers.

After getting most of the way through the breakfast rush, Jess decided it was almost time for a break. "Luke, I'm out - well look who it is," he added smoothly, smirking at Dean. He had obviously come from Doose's market, sporting a bag full of female hygiene products. "Ah, yes," Jess grinned, almost unable to control his laughter. "We have a sea kelp face wash - _yuck -_ makeup remover, and some emery boards. Yup, all the essentials."

Dean scowled. "What's your point?"

"My point is, _Deano,_ is that you either got a really embarrassing acting job, or you're really into -" he switched to a girly voice, "the new stuff the whole squad is wearing!"

"You've gotta learn when to stop, man," he frowned at Jess. "Maybe people would like you more if you cut the sarcastic jokes. Sarcasm doesn't become you."

"Yes," Jess agreed. "But it _does_ sustain me.

"Whatever. Besides, they're for my wife," Dean rolled his eyes.

"If you say so. So," Jess noticed the faint pained expression on Dean's face. "What's up with you? Either my wit majorly messed you up, or the wind finally caught up with your face."

"I came in because I saw you in the window and I thought you might know something about Rory. I'm really worried about her." Jess kind of felt sorry for Dean. He knew how in love the two of them were before Jess came to town, and sometimes he wished he had never messed that up.

"I'm not talking to you in here. Come outside and I'll tell you what I know," Jess put down the book he had in his right hand and followed Dean outside.

"Where is she?" Dean asked.

"Before I start, we are not friends."

"Agreed. Now tell me where she is."

"I think she's in Hartford."

"So tonight, we go pick her up?"

"I don't think Lorelai will approve of that," Jess looked to the ground.

"So..." Dean said. "We ask her anyway, and if she says no we just let her pick Rory up herself."

"Dean..." Jess dragged his eyes up from the floor to keep eye contact with the other, taller, guy. "I really want to do this. I really want to be the first to see her."

Dean smiled. "You really love her, don't you?"

"I-" he didn't know how to respond to that. He wasn't exactly thrilled about the idea of confiding in Dean, but he figured everyone knew what he felt for Rory anyway. "Yeah," he admitted. "I do."

"Okay, lets go ask Lorelai," he walked into the diner, and Jess had no choice but to follow him.

"Lorelai?" Dean looked around for the older woman, only to find her sitting in the corner with a giant mug of coffee.

"Let me handle this," Jess said. "Lorelai, I think I want to go pick up Rory from her Grandparents place tonight. That way, they'll possibly see that I'm actually... uhh... worth something, that maybe I would be good for her?" He waited with baited breath, for Lorelai to respond.

"Um," she looked up from her coffee. "Maybe that might actually be a good idea. She probably doesn't want to see me..."

He felt bad for her, but realised that Lorelai was probably super upset. "Well, thanks, Lorelai..." Jess realised that he should tell Lorelai something. "Dean, can you leave for a sec?" He whispered, and Dean wet to the counter for tea. "Lorelai, I have to ask you something. Has Rory said anything since the night I came here. You know, about her coming to New York? I don't know, it's just... he came, things looked... promising, I guess, but then in the morning she tried to leave without saying goodbye. It... confused me, I guess."

"Oh, Jess. Rory told me all about New York. The way she found you... how she wanted to stay, but thought she couldn't."

"Why?!"

Lorelai held up a hand. "She doesn't know how to act around you, Jess. I'm not going to give you the details on our conversation, but what I am going to tell you is that, as much as I think you improved over the last year, you really did hurt her, leaving like that. She hasn't dated anyone else, even looked at another boy." Jess felt his heart burst, in good and bad ways. The fact that Rory could possibly still want him, that was good. The fact that she couldn't look at another guy because he broke her heart, that wasn't good.

"So, can I pick her up from Hartford in like..." he checked his watch. "an hour?"

"Well," Lorelai said, "it will probably mean avoiding a fight between Rory and I if you go. It takes half an hour to get there, plus you should probably practise what you're going to say. You have about half an hour before you should go, so... yes, go ahead." Jess smiled, something he didn't often do.

"Thanks, Lorelai."

"Anytime, Jess." She got up and walked out of the diner, and Jess went to his car, sitting on the seat. He pulled out a plastic sleeve, filled with pieces of paper, typed writing, and notes written all over it. He pulled it out, thinking that maybe he could work on it. After all, he had a surge of artistic genius, able to think of a title while he was talking to Lorelai. He scribbled out some writing on the first page, and neatly wrote something else. He shone it up to the light, thinking, _I reckon this is it._ He put three underlines underneath the words 'The Subsect'.

 **A/N: Review, review, review!!!! Please!! Last chapter nobody reviewed, so I'm not really sure what you guys are thinking of my story. Good or bad, just leave it on the page!**


	6. Author’s Note

A/N: Hi guys ! Okay so, sorry for the SUPER long wait on the update. I've been working on 2 chapters, PLUS making photo and video edits for my multifandom instagram account @dinerboys which some of you might know idk. ANYWAY, so I'm going to release the next 2 chapters at once ! This story is kind of making me bored already, and it's going to end within the next 2 or 3 chapters. Just letting you know, so that you understand the slight pick up in pace. I am currently in the process of planning my next fic, another Literati one about Jess' decline physically and socially through the years (you'll get what I mean when I start uploading it). Okay, so go on and read my next chapter, just wanted to apologise for the wait and let y'all know where I'm at !

Love,

Your girl Stella ️


	7. Every time I try, I just take it back

Before Jess and Dean left for the elder Gilmore house, Luke had given Jess some book called "You Deserve Love". Since he knew about the "I love you," confession that seemingly partially led to Rory leaving home, it was apparent that Luke wanted them to patch things up. Jess had ensured his uncle that all the money that was spent would be paid back, before getting out of the diner and heading to his car. Him and Dean made an agreement not to drive together, because if one of them (Jess of course, Dean was married... right?) ended up having to take Rory home, they shouldn't all be in the same car.

They arrived at the same time in Hartford, hearing a piano play some classical music. "God," Dean gaped at the massive house after getting out of his car. "I forgot how massive this place was. How are we gonna find Rory in here?"

Jess shrugged, before hearing laughter from a guy, and a girl. He turned the corner to the pool house, looking through the glass window. Inside he saw Rory holding a bottle, surrounded by a bunch of guys in expensive looking suits. "Rory... Rory's drunk?" Jess asked, and Dean just shrugged. Jess watched Rory and a blonde get closer and closer... It was only Dean mumbling, "she looks good," that took his undivided attention away from what he was seeing. "Yeah," he replied. "She looks... more than good." Dean took a step towards the house, but Jess grabbed his shirt. "I don't think I want to go in," he admitted, causing Dean's face to melt into one of utter confusion.

"You were the one who wanted to come here anyway. Are you seriously telling me you're having second thoughts? About Rory? _Our_ Rory?"

Jess balled his fists when Dean said ' _our'._ He had no place being in Rory's life, he was married. "No way. I just... look at those guys. Now look at us. We're just a pair of losers. We don't belong here." He started stalking back to the car, but Dean grabbed his arm and pointed it at his aquaintances face. "Don't lose it on me now, Jess. Don't you _dare_ walk away. We came to get Rory, and whether you like it or not, we're picking her up even if you don't get a lover out of it. This is about _her,_ not _us._ Okay?"

"Okay..." Jess tentatively responded, inching towards the door. He could only see Rory pointing at the blonde, and him moving in for a kiss, when Dean burst through the door, followed by Jess. Rory pulled away, her hand moving up to her lips in shock. "Jess?" She asked, trying to get up but falling back down instantly. "Dean?!" She seemed shocked to see them both, but this time when she lifted her butt off the couch she managed to stumble a few steps, before removing her stilettos and walking, slowly, towards the guys. "Let's talk outside?" She asked, gingerly moving forward. She stumbled just before the got to them, but, in a perfect movie moment, Jess caught her. He angled his head, moving in... but she faced the other direction. "Let's go." She leant on him as they walked outside. As soon as the cold air hit them, Rory awkwardly let go of Jess and leant on a retaining wall.

"Look, Rory-" Jess and Dean both started, but Jess gave Dean a glare. "I'll wait at my car," he muttered, leaving the late couple alone. "Wait, Jess-" Dean turned back around, whispering something in Jess' ear. Luke's nephew turned bright red in anger, and he scowled, but didn't hit Dean. He just turned away and started walking back to his car.

"Jess!" Rory yelled. "Jess, come back! What happened?"

"God, Rory!" Jess matched her volume. "I came back to Stars Hollow, a place I promised myself I would _never_ go back to! I told you I loved you! Do you know the last time I said that? Never!"

"Jess, what's going on? What did Dean say?"

"Oh, nothing much," Jess bit back. "Just that about two weeks after my little confession, you two decided to have a fling!"

"Are you kidding me?" Rory screamed. "I didn't have a _fling_ with him! It was one kiss! _One kiss!"_

"He's married, Rory!" Jess countered, and Rory could see the hurt in his eyes. Hurt, not anger. Hurt. "You..." his tone calmed down. "You must really hate if you would rather date a married man." He turned away again, this time making it to his car and turning on the ignition, before Rory ran after him again.

"This is why I can't be with you!" She started yelling again. "You always left! You ran from your problems! I almost started to think that maybe in your year away you had changed. But that's obviously not the case."

"I _have_ changed, Rory! I'm not running from my problems this time! Talking to you - it hurts! It _really_ hurts! I'm running from you, Rory! Because if I can't have you then being friends will be too painful to handle." The hot tears streamed down Rory's face as she watched Jess walk to his car again. She slowly walked over and put her fingers to the window. He rolled it down and stared at her. "Jess..." she said, and he switched his gaze to the steering wheel. "No, it's not anything bad. I just... I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I didn't reply when you told me you loved me..."

"It's okay, Rory," he mumbled. "You didn't feel the same. Whatever." He was acting so nonchalant about it that Rory almost believed that he didn't care, but the look in his eyes was just enough to realise that he did. That was when she noticed two books sitting on the passenger seat of the car. She walked around to the door and opened it. One of the books was called 'You Deserve Love'. She touched the cover of the book with her index finger, then looked up to meet Jess' eyes, but he was staring intently out the window. "Jess..." she reached over and turned his head to face her. "You do. You _do_ deserve love."

He turned his head away again, gripping the steering wheel so hard his knuckles turned white. "Yeah, well. I don't seem be able to find it, huh?" He put a hand to his face. "I've got a special talent for driving people away," he sighed. "What the hell am I doing..."

"Do you... do you want to get some coffee?"

"What – coffee?" Jess questioned. "Uh... sure. Hop in." She lifted up the books and sat on the seat.

"What's this?" She pulled out a plastic sleeve from under the first book she saw. "'The Subsect?' Jess, you're – you're – you're writing a book?! Oh my god!"

"Jeez," Jess put on a slight scowl but a smile broke through. "I'm _writing_ a book..." he was about to turn the key in the ignition when Rory's arms were around him.

"I'm _so_ proud of you," she said into his shoulder, before pulling away instantly, with a huge smile on her face. "Okay, drive."

One they were at the coffee shop, sitting at a table, drinking their daily caffeine fix, Jess finally spoke. "So the coffee seems to have sobered you up."

Rory giggled. "I think it was the whole 'Jess is writing a book' thing."

Conversation dried up again as they both stared at their cups. "I'm sorry," he blurted out, not knowing exactly what for, but there were definitely a lot of things which could be encompassed in that apopgy. Rory didn't say anything, but Jess noticed tears well up in her eyes as she played with the handle on her cup. "I'm sorry for – for not treating you right, I'm sorry about Kyle's party. I'm sorry that I was the reason you and Dean broke up, I'm sorry for the amount of shit I got you stuck in every time we saw him, every time Dean and I had a fight. I'm sorry for making you feel like I didn't care, for leaving without telling you."

"Jess..." Rory started, but Jess was on a roll.

"For... for not talking to you when you ran into me at the book store, Weston's, anywhere else. I'm sorry for telling you I love you in the wrong place at the wrong time, but it had to be done. That day I called you, at graduation... I wanted to so badly. But I don't know, I just couldn't. I couldn't face hearing you end things right after I told you. And that's what would have happened. I'm sorry for making you think I was better than Dean, I guess. I wasn't. I'm sorry."

"God," Rory let out a bittersweet laugh. "That's a lot of sorry's."

"I think it was in order, don't you?"

"Maybe," she admitted. "I'm – I'm sorry too, for what it's worth."

This time it was Jess' turn to laugh. "You didn't _do_ anything."

"Maybe not directly, but I played a part in what happened too. You can't solely blame yourself."

"Whatever," he replied.

"Don't act so nonchalant. Act like you care. That's the Jess I know."

"You don't know me," he grumbled back, and Rory got up from the table.

"Apparently not," she whispered, letting a single tear fall. "I want to go home," she said, her voice sounding strangled so that she wouldn't let the tears fall. "Can you take me home?"Jess nodded, getting up from the table and following Rory out."Well, here we are," she said after a few minutes of walking. Their car was parked on a steep hill, but Jess assured Rory that it would be safe enough, even with his dodgy car. He unlocked the doors and they got in their respective sides of the car. "Jess, I want to talk to you," Rory said, but Jess' lips were on hers as soon as she finished her sentence. He pulled away quickly, seeing Rory's confused expression. "What was..."

"One more time and maybe I'll have an explanation," he replied. He tried to kiss her again, but Rory knew they had to talk first.

"Jess, stop." She put a hand to his mouth and pushed him away, ignoring his sigh. "We can't just go along like _nothing_ matters. Like we don't have to discuss this before we jump in the deep end. I mean, no offence, but I'm not even sure if I want to jump."

"I don't want to discuss it. Because if we discuss it, we'll know it can't work. I can't hear that. I don't want to realise that."

Rory felt for the guy. She felt exactly the same, yet she put on a stronger front. Funny, it was always him who put forward a stronger persona. "We _have_ to talk. We need to sort this out... please, Jess."

"Look, Rory. I'm angry. And it's not even the whole, 'I'm just an angry guy' thing. I tried so hard, and..."

"And what?" Rory asked.

Jess knew it was wrong to try to hurt people. But he wanted Rory to feel the pain he felt, when she just watched him leave after the firelight festival, when she tried to leave him in New York without saying goodbye. "And..." he continued, "I thought I loved you." He _did_ love her - he also knew it was pathetic to have been apologising and basically saying that he loved her less than five minutes before, but all he wanted was for her to feel pain. He didn't even realise, in the moment, that it was wrong.

Rory went numb when he said that. She thought she couldn't open her mouth, make any noise, but; "You... you don't?"

"I'm sorry," he sighed, turning on the ignition and driving rory back to Stars Hollow.

* * *

She walked up to the house, just as Jess drove away, presumably back to his grotty New York apartment. She slammed the door as she went in, thinking her mother was alone. Little did she know, she would find an unxpected couple... coupling. "Mom?" she called, and she heard whispering. She walked into the living room, and thinking it was Jason or something, wasn't expecting what she saw.

" _Luke!?_ "

"Honey," Lorelai looked at her daughter with pleading eyes. "Some things happened after you left the Dragonfly. So, before I get really mad about how you left, how about we tell you what happened?"


	8. 1 step back, 2 steps forward

_Three Weeks Later_

 _"Lorelai. It's Jason. I know we ended in a bad place, but I miss you, and I want to talk. Call be back, please. Jason."_

 _"Lorelai, I still haven't heard from you. Talk to me. I won't say I'm sorry. I wasn't wrong. But maybe we could come to an agreement about the business. Call me back please, Jason."_

 _"Lor, please. I need you. I've been sitting watching a dead pot plant shrivel up for the last two weeks. Don't shut me out. Lorelai, please, call me. Talk to me. Jason."_

 _"Lorelai, I promise this is the last message I'll send you. It's been almost a month now, I've waited too long. If you don't talk to me, I'm coming over there. I'm sorry. It's my only option now. Jason."_

And he did. Three weeks after Rory had come home, Mother and Daughter settled their differences, and Rory wallowed over Jess, listening to loud music and watching depressing romance movies, and Jason had just left this message. "No, no no no!" Lorelai whined, putting her head in her hands. "Luke eand I are going so well, Jason is going to ruin it! No! He can't come here!"Rory was fully aware that Lorelai was right, but recently she had been doing everything half heartedly, not trying hard enough at Yale, crying her heart out. She had no time for a diversion plan. "Look, we can't stop it," she reasoned. "Besides, now that you and Luke are together, are can tag team against him. Okay? Stop freaking out."

"I guess you're right..." Lorelai admitted, just as Luke walked it.

"I've got breakfast... pancakes, reddi-wip, bacon, eggs, and some spinach. Enjoy!"

"Woah, Luke," Rory said with wide eyes. "What did we do to deserve spinach?"

"Eat it," Luke said. "It's too late for her-" he pointed to Lorelai- "but it's not too late for you. Understood?"

Rory saluted. "Yes, sir."

"Good," he walked out of the house and pack to the diner after sharing a short kiss with Lorelai.

"You're not really going to eat it, are you?" Lorelai whispered to Rory.

"No way!" She exclaimed, dumping the spinach in the bin.

"That's my girl," her mother nodded approvingly, digging into her pancakes.

Lorelai had organised with Jason for him to come to Stars Hollow that day, per Jason's request of 'not wanting to make you go out of your way for my needs'. She didn't want to meet in Stars Hollow. Ignoring Rory's better judgement, she decided not to tell Luke. If she kept them away from each other, Luke would never know. And what he didn't know couldn't hurt him, right?

Unfortunately, Jason hadn't decided on a time and instead wanted to surprise her, but it was probably so that he wouldn't catch her doing anything secret. Fair enough, but it meant that she couldn't risk being with Luke for most of the afternoon for risk of getting caught.

After avoiding the diner once more walking to Doose's, Lorelai saw a black Mercedes driving over the speed limit towards her house. She ran, a rare occurrence, after the car.

"Lorelai," Jason greeted her. "I'm glad you finally called me. I, uh -" he held up a brown lump sitting in a pot. "I bought the plant. I don't know, I thought it might have made us think more clearly about how... _amazing_ our time was when we were together..."

"Jason, stop. I let you come over here simply because you were annoying me, not because I want you back. I have another partner now, Jason."

Jason cringed. "Oh god. It's that... _Duke_ guy isn't it?"

"His name's Luke, and yes, it's him." Jason gave Lorelai a sad look as he turned to leave. "When it's right, it's right... and I guess it wasn't right. Goodbye Lorelai," Jason intoned, as Lorelai ushered him out the door. She wasn't fast enough.

"Jason," a gruff voice came from beside them.

"Duke," he replied sourly.

Luke turned his gaze to Lorelai. "So this is why you've been avoiding me all day."

"I..." Lorelai started, but Jason started to talk over her.

"So this is why you wouldn't talk to me. Well, I think I've made my point. I guess... it's not right, as I said before."

"Damn straight, it's not right," Luke growled, before pushing the other man away with his fingertips. "Bye, Stiles." Jason walked away just as Rory emerged from her room, the quiet room adjacent to hers a sure sign that Jason had left and her mother was alone.

"I have to go back to Yale, mom. I'm sorry about- Luke... hi."

"Honey, go. We're okay here."

"You're sure?" Lorelai's daughter asked apprehensively.

"I'm sure. Go on," she pecked Rory on the cheek before ushering her daughter out.

* * *

Just as Rory got to Yale, her phone rang. "Hello?" she picked up, hearing sobbing from the other end of the line. "Mom!? What happened?"

"He's gone," Lorelai answered simply.

"What?" Rory knew the painful answer before Lorelai said it.

"Luke... he's gone."

"Gone where?" Rory wanted to be sure of what was happening.

"Gone... left... left me. Gone... because Jason..." her mother let out another sob and took a shaky breath. "I'm sorry to bother you, hon. Go back to whatever you were doing."

"No way, mom," Rory answered sternly. "I'm coming home. Right now. Okay?"

"Rory, no. I'm fine -"

"You're not fine, mom, you don't seem fine."

"Rory. Get your things, if you don't want to stay the night at Yale you can come home. Okay?"

"Okay... But I'm coming home straight after I'm done, okay?"

"Whatever you say, hon. Bye, babe."

"Bye, mom." she flicked her phone shut and sat in the car seat. Everything was falling apart... her and Jess, her mom and Luke... the world was turning on its head and Rory hated, _hated_ it. She got a new feeling of emptiness in her stomach, and she knew it was a delayed reaction to Jess' retracted love. She let out a few salty tears before getting out of her car and going into her suite.

 ** _Half an hour later_**

She was back in her car seat again, the emptiness consuming her although there were items surrounding her from her dorm. It wasn't a physical emptiness. It was an emptiness in the heart. She went on impulse and took out her phone, dialling Jess' number. When he didn't pick up after about twelve rings, Rory left a message.

* * *

 _"Jess, I'm so sorry I called. But it finally - it finally caught up with me. I'm empty without you, Dodger. I'm sorry to say it - and... and I know now that you never felt the same, but... I can't deal without you. I can't breathe without your arm around my waist, without being able to say, "He's mine," without having you to support me the way you did before everything went to hell. I know you told me what happened wasn't my fault, but... it was. I don't think I was the easiest person for you to talk to about your problems. I'm sorry for that. It wasn't fair to you. It wasn't fair. I... I need you, Jess. You don't have to call me back, just hear what I said. Listen to what I said. Goodbye, Jess. I don't know if this is the last time I'll have to say this, but... goodbye."_

He listened to the message over and over again, after coming home to find 1 voicemail. The last thing he expected was that, and though he felt - well, happy wasn't the word - _relieved -_ that she had called first, he was hoping for her to pour more heart out rather than fill the message with apologies. He thought he was along in his apartment, so he let his anger towards himself, not Rory, let out an angry yell, punching the wall. "God dammit!" he screamed at himself, hitting the wall over and over until he busted all his knuckles. He then rested his head on the wall and put his hands behind his neck, elbows resting on the dented, bloody mess of a wall. "You _asshole!_ " he yelled, and his roommate Steve walked out of the tiny shared bathroom with a hand towl in his hair, rubbing it dry."Woah, man. What the hell..." he looked up at the wall and Jess caught the other guy's meaning. "Rough time," he responded dryly. "Go back to primping or whatever the hell you were doing. I'm good."

"No, you're not." Steve and Jess had never really talked much before, but Jess knew the guy always had good intentions. Better hear him out now. "Look, I know this is probably about a girl, or -"

"She's uh... she's not just a girl. She's kind of, in some twisted way... the reason I'm here in this trashy apartment."

Steve looked shocked. "She what - robbed you? Jesus, Jess, you're supposed to report that stuff."

Jess let out a small chuckle, trying to stretch out his injured hand. "No, she didn't we.. uh, dated in high school."

"I know where this is going. You weren't enough for her, am I right?"

"No!" Jess automatically retorted, but when Steve arched an eyebrow Jess couldn't keep what was inside of him internal for much longer. For the first time since 1983, Jess was too full of emotions to function. The first time in _twenty years,_ Jess couldn't keep himself to himself. "Yes. You're right. I... uh... I kind of left town without saying goodbye because I thought I was hurting her too much. When we were eighteen. I went to California to see my dad... that didn't work out. I went back to my old town because my uncle stole my car -"

"What!? You always said your uncle was the only adult you ever looked up to! What happened?"

"No, he was trying to - long story. Anyway, I went back and there she was, so I..."

"What. What did you do to her, Jess?" Stever asked with urgency. He seemed to know the seriousness of the situation.

"I told her, uh... I told her I loved her." He tried to stand proud, but his roommate's expression threw him off. It was almost... pity?

"Oh, jeez, Jess," he said quietly. "Then what happened?"

"Well," Jess reluctantly continued, "I came to visit her because she ran away from home after having a fight with her mom. I cam back to see her and took her out for coffee."

Steve nodded approvingly. "Good move, Mariano."

"Anyway so I made a crack saying she didn't know me, and all of a sudden she wanted to go back home, where she ran from. We tried to talk in the car, but it ended in me telling her I never actually loved her. That I only thought I did."

"Wait, why did you say you love her and then say you didn't love her? What?"

"I don't know," Jess replied sadly.

Steve got that pitying expression again. "And do you? Do you really love her?"

"I, uh... yeah. I do. But I don't deserve her."

"I don't know about that, man. You should talk to her. Tell her you _do_ love her. If you really did that many things to her over the past few years, this will be nothing. Really," he added, seeing the doubt in Jess' face. "If you ran away, and she did love you through that, if she even does - she can live through this. Okay?"

"Okay, I guess," Jess nodded slowly. Steve started to walk away, but Jess called him back.

"Yeah?" He asked.

"She knows I still love her. I _know_ she does. Because, I was apologising and shit about five minutes before I told her I was wrong about how I felt."

"Jeez, Man, you're _way_ more messed up than I thought. Come on, I'm standing here until you call her and make this right."

"Steve-" Jess tried to protest, but Steve guided him to his cell phone.

"Call. Her. I'm waiting," he rolled his eyes as Jess just stared at the phone in his hand. He pressed the speed dial button and heard it ring, ring... until, somewhat a relief for Jess, went to voicemail.

"She didn't pick up," Jess said.

"Leave a message then, idiot," Steve prodded him until Jess started to talk.

"Rory, I know you're probably ignoring me, and I get it. But I wanted to... I wanted to respond to your message. I miss you too, Rory. And I... I do. When I said I don't - you know - I didn't mean it. I just wanted to - _god_ I wish I could do this easier - I wanted to hurt you. I... I wanted you to feel the way I felt, which is stupid and petty, especially considering I left. What I'm trying to say is, Rory, I'm sorry. I'm _so_ sorry for everything I did. Including what happened last time we saw each other. Honestly, I probably wouldn't be making this call if it wasn't for my cracked roommate-" Steve slapped the back of his head. "Ow! But everything I'm saying, it's completely true. I can't breathe without you either, Rory. I just... if we never see each other again, even though your mom and my uncle are... well on their way to being, you know. I don't know for sure, but last time I was there they seemed kind of coupl-y. Okay, so this message is probably going to be cut off at some point, but if we never see each other again, I wanted to be the last one who made contact, to make things as right between us as I could. Bye, Ror'." He ended the call and dropped the phone in the table, putting his right had to his forehead. "Thanks for..." he trailed off.

"No problem, Jessie," Steve patted his back before scurrying off to the bathroom before Jess realised what he had just been called. And he probably would never have realised it, because the only thing he was thinking about was how damn _close_ he had been to having Rory back in his arms that night in the car. If only he hadn't fucked it up by getting his _revenge_ on the girl he loved. _Revenge._ God, he was such a scumbag. You don't do that to someone you love. But he _did_ love her. _"Fucking Hell, Jess,"_ he mumbled to himself.


End file.
